This past couple of months have been stressful and full of uncertainty, I won't deny it. Health issues, work issues... all have coalesced to force a screeching of the breaks. After years of accelerating and moving forward, of pushing the limits (of my body, of my mind, of my time) suddenly I was forced to be still. And wait.
Now as one of my best friends constantly reminds me, patience is not one of my qualities. "Watch the stones grow" has become a long standing joke between us because I have a tendency to jump the gun. I have struggled, have attempted to deal with this daemon over and over again, and repeatedly failed. But I continue to try.
So these weeks of forced non-movement I deep breath, make lists of things I CAN do, and try to not let my mind stray to the dark side. The exercise is having surprising results. Apart from a deep spring cleaning of my flat that has made me prune both my library and my magazine collection (reading through and then chucking articles I've been cutting and accumulating through out my working life in the process) and rediscover hobbies I had long since given up on due to lack of time (more on that on another post, promise) and other similarly easy to grasp benefits, there has been another less obvious, but no doubt more significant transformation.
By stepping out of the hamster wheel I was able to, hopefully temporarily, look at the rat race in a more detached way. And gauge my own conduct, examine my decisions, my actions and their consequences, consider my mistakes (and there have been many), and, most importantly analyse what must change, what can be done, and what I want my priorities to be in the future and act accordingly. Its a process that I visualize as getting rid of static interference. Blocking out the desires and needs of others, giving up on looking at yourself through the eyes of others, be they loved ones or work collegues, and "re-learning" to look straight into yourself, without interferences.
Its scary, but then again anything worth while in life is scary. Its hard work. You have to look face on at your darker side - your weaknesses, vices, insecurities... struggle with them, accept them and see what you can do to reduce their hold on you. Its a struggle, but its very revealing and I trust it will make me a stronger and better person in the future. What I found surprising is to realize just how far I had believed in the hype.
"What hype?" you ask.
Well the one of the fashion industry, the one promoted in fashion magazines, on TV, at every level of society. The hype about how you could reach happiness through consumption.
I had been aware of my ambivalence on this subject ever since my childhood. I knew, I know, consumerism isn't the answer to everything. I know an extra pair of shoes - even if they are gorgeous Christian Louboutins - won't really change your life or transform you into a better /prettier / happier person... neither will the latest mobile phone, car or a backstage pass to meet the latest pop star (if that's what rocks your boat) and yet, somehow, issue after issue writing up how the Louis Vuitton "carry all" was a must, how this winter wouldn't be complete without a gray dress - the new LBD, don't you know -, or the cream that would rid you of aging in one fell swoop, I let the hype permeate my life style. I began to accumulate sky high platforms, slightly twitched versions of jeans, that special edition Tshirt that would show the world my incredible sense of irony... I'd fall in love with things. It was easier and faster than finding someone to fall in love with. It was a quick fix. It was more instantaneous gratification than saving up to go see a new country or friends and family that lived thousands of kilometers away. It kept the blues at bay.
The sated / bloated feeling started coming over me a couple years back. I knew I couldn't really say "I have nothing to wear". I had more than enough. So much so that my wardrobe was taking over my small flat, despite the careful editing with every changing season. Yet still I persisted in going shopping "just to see" or "to invest in some special pieces". Until I ran out of excuses. And so I had to admit: "I am a shopaholic" and accept that I will probably have to be "in recovery" the rest of my life. Which is why I am proud to say I have been" clean" for 5 months now. And really, its not at all bad.
